Fresh TVThe Musical!
by mikata88
Summary: Daria's musical episode, performed entirely by all your favorite Fresh TV characters, including 6teen and TDI! OOC-ness potential and hijinks ahoy!
1. Chapter 1

Fresh TV-The Musical!

*Warning: Multiple cross-overs based on Daria's Musical episode. Major OOC-ness may occur.

Curtain up. Interior, suburban house bedroom. Chris McLean from Total Drama is standing there with Mrs. Masterson (Jen's mom from 6teen) preparing for a busy day at work. Stanley from the mall rolls by on a Big Wheel, prompting Chris to break out in song.

CHRIS: I got a Big Wheel rollin' in my heart!

MRS. MASTERSON: I really don't know what that's supposed to mean.

CHRIS: It means a brand new mornin's gonna start!

MRS. MASTERSON: Put on your pants! We're seeing more than should be seen!

PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW: I'll say!

MRS. MASTERSON: Today I'll be the perfect wife and mother!

CHRIS: Today I'll show my viewers that this man is strong!

MRS. MASTERSON, checking appointment book: But, oh. Today's booked up like every other.

CHRIS, shoulders sinking: I'll prob'ly tell my viewers that they're right and I am wrong.

BOTH, suddenly happier for no reason: But still it's morning in the 'burbs!

Cut scene to Caitlin, looking out of other suburban household window.

CAITLIN: It's such a great day I wish I could buy it.

It looks so good it makes my eyeballs hurt.

(Posing with different outfits in front of mirror): Does this go with this top?

Should I try it?

MIRROR CAITLIN: Oh, put on any skirt or shirt!

You'd even look good wearing dirt!

CAITLIN: Thanks!

BOTH CAITLINS: On this morning in the 'burbs!

Cut to darkened bedroom, again in same house. GWEN lies sleeping, mostly covered by blankets. Only her face is showing.

GWEN, flatly: Oh me, oh my, a lovely day is dawning.

Oh, what a joy. I didn't wake up dead.

So I can go to school and then resume my yawning.

(Pulling covers over face): And get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.

Cut to interior suburban kitchen. Chris and Mrs. Masterson are present. There is a plate of toast slices on the counter.

CHRIS: Morning, Emma!

MRS. MASTERSON: Morning Chris.

CHRIS, touching hair: Hair all right?

CAITLIN, entering: Maybe some frizz.

CHRIS: Great, and now I'm leaving this.

(exiting) It's off to work I go.

CAITLIN AND MRS. MASTERSON: 'Bye!

MRS. MASTERSON, turning on TV: What's the weather like today?

TV WEATHERMAN: There may be a hurricane on the way.

MRS. MASTERSON, switching off TV: But it's such a lovely day.

CAITLIN, as they both exit: What does science know?

Gwen enters. She grabs the toast plate and touches a slice.

GWEN: Oh, that's great. The toast is cold.

(walking over to garbage bin): What tales of nothing will unfold?

(emptying toast into garbage as others gradually join in): Here on this same old…

ALL: This same old morning in the 'burbs!

Cut to interior of school lunchroom. Gwen, NIKKI and LINDSEY are all in line. Lindsey grabs a small glass filled with yellow and blue Jell-O cubes.

LINDSEY, impressed: Oh my gawsh! Look at the Jell-O!

GWEN: It's jiggling.

NIKKI: Worried about the competition?

LINDSEY: It changed into the school colors. On pep rally day! There really is a school spirit. Spooky.

Exeunt Lindsey.

GWEN: Pep rally day?

NIKKI: I guess we'd better make alternate plans.

GWEN: Hello, Mr. Roof.

Cut to assembly hall. Most of the lesser cast members fill the bleachers while DJ, TYLER, and some other large male characters stand on the main stage.

DJ: As captain of the team, I would just like to remind everyone that there are some things more important than winning.

TYLER, interrupting: Yeah, like kickin' some major butt! (crowd cheers) Yeah! We are the champions, my friends! I'm the Q.B.

COACH HALDER comes onstage.

COACH: Everybody, listen up. Calm down. Quiet down! I have just been informed that this morning's hurricane advisory has just been upgraded to a hurricane WARNING.

Beat.

OWEN, in audience, raising hand: Are we all gonna die?

COACH: Not on school property, you're not!

TYLER: But what about the big game?

Beat. Coach narrows his eyes a bit.

COACH: Cancelled.

Beat.

AUDIENCE: NO!

COACH: Yes! Now everybody out. Everybody out.

I want a quiet exit.

That's what exiting's about.

As Coach exits, RON THE RENT-A-COP comes onstage.

RON: You will not scream or howl or shout!

AUDIENCE, as they exit: Everybody out!

Everybody out!

CODY is under the bleachers, attempting to peek up skirts. He wolf whistles at a particularly hot woman before singing.

CODY: But what if, what if, what if the town blew away?

TYLER: Where would the football players play?

CAITLIN and CLONES: Where would we go to shop all day?

COACH and RON: Would we get three months off with pay?

ALL: If the town blew away?

Cut to Tyler and football team. Lindsey pirouettes over to them.

LINDSEY: I hope you're not too sad that you don't get to play.

TYLER: I am, but I think the weather's fine.

(Spoken): X-Files says that this is just the way the authorities create, like a natural disaster, to cover up what's really going on. I mean: Big game? Big storm? Coincidence?

ALL FOOTBALL PLAYERS: Well, we're not falling for their line!

LINDSEY, dancing around Tyler: Come on, Tyson,

Don't be mad.

I've got a way to make you glad.

We'll go up to some other place.

TYLER, exiting with Lindsey: That's cool, babe!

Let's go suck face!

Cut to exterior school roof. As Gwen and Nikki begin talk-singing, we gradually zoom in on them.

GWEN: Hey, look at what the newspaper is saying.

NIKKI, curious: What?

GWEN: It says a great big storm is on the way.

NIKKI, impressed: Cool.

GWEN, getting up: The roof's not really where we should be staying.

NIKKI: Why not?

GWEN: 'Cause this great big storm is happening today.

NIKKI: Hey! What if the town blew away?

GWEN, suddenly into it: Why, Caitlin would have nowhere to stay!

NIKKI: The mall would be gone, and that's okay!

BOTH, sinking to their knees: Down on your knees and begin to pray

That the town blows a-wayyyyy!

Both begin to exit, soon coming up on the stairway where Tyler and Lindsey are making out.

NIKKI: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is gonna be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.

GWEN: I think they already are.

The two stop when they reach the stairway.

GWEN: Oh, look: a hurricane of passion. (to Tyler and Lindsey) I hate to break you guys up, but the newspaper says there's a hurricane coming.

NIKKI: You might wanna take your extracurricular activities indoors.

TYLER, the first to break the kiss: No way! The newspaper said that? Man! I thought the Coach was just trying to fake us out.

LINDSEY: Yeah. He was, like, messing with our minds.

NIKKI: Why doesn't that add up for me?

Tyler stands aside, allowing the ladies to go ahead of him.

TYLER, opening the stairway door further: Ladies first.

Unfortunately, his opening of the door causes the wood block that was holding it open to slip and the door to collapse and lock. This happens in slow motion.

GWEN, in equally slo-mo: NO!

Tyler tries the door, but it's jammed.

TYLER: It's jammed.

GWEN: Great. Now we're not only gonna die, but the headline's gonna read: "Popular High School Quarterback Perishes, Unidentified Bodies of Others Also Found."

(singing): I always knew that I would die in Nowhere'sville.

NIKKI: But I didn't think I'd die there quite so soon.

TYLER: Hey, this is like that video "When Scary Storms Kill"!

LINDSEY: Will being dead wreck my afternoon?

ALL, as we zoom out: If the town blows a-wayyyy!

*End of Act 1


	2. Chapter 2

Fresh TV-The Musical!

*Warning: Multiple cross-overs based on Daria's Musical episode. Major OOC-ness may occur.

Act II

Curtain up. Interior of office building. MRS. MASTERSON is loading things from her desk into a box, no doubt to take them home due to the coming hurricane. CHEF HATCHET enters from stage left.

CHEF: Emma! What the Sam Hill are you still doin' here? There's a got-dang hurricane a-comin'! You know…I've never told you this…

(singing): Emma

Oh, Emma

You're a gem…a..

(looks at watch): Man, this is eatin' up a lot of time.

(exiting stage left): Don't forget to lock up.

MRS. MASTERSON, calling after Chef: Don't worry. I just have a few little odds and ends to catch up on. Hmm. Where's my appointment book?

Cut to interior of Khaki Barn. Caitlin, Trisha and Martha the snarky former employee of Surfer's Paradise are all in the store. Caitlin is posing in the mirror.

CAITLIN, more to herself than to the others: This one could work.

TRISHA: I don't know, Kate. Aren't you worried that it makes you look like a Hefty Bag?

CHRISSY enters from stage left.

CHRISSY: Ladies, the store's closing now. There's a hurricane coming, remember?

Exit Chrissy.

MARTHA: Let's get going while we still have time to walk. Running for your life can totally ruin your hair. Come on, Kate.

She and Trisha leave without her. Caitlin is left staring at herself in the mirror with something almost like longing.

CAITLIN: (sigh) Don't they know I can't leave yet?

(singing): Why don't they know?

It's easy to see

That I can't go until I'm dressed perfectly.

Cut back to Mrs. Masterson, who is beginning a song of her own.

MRS. MASTERSON, singing: Why can't they guess

It's more than a quirk.

I've got to confess:

I'm addicted to work!

CAITLIN: A shrink would have a field day with my head.

MRS. MASTERSON: If he listened to the sentence I just said.

CHRIS and GWEN, from offstage: Obsessive kids and Moms

Just might be ticking bombs.

BOTH, in unison: So I'll keep it to myself instead.

CAITLIN: It doesn't matter really what I do or wear.

MRS. MASTERSON: I could do an awful job and nobody would care.

TRISHA, MARTHA AND CLONES, offstage: But wowing colleagues and friends is the greatest of life's ends.

BOTH, in unison: So, when life ends

At least it ends with style and flair!

MRS. MASTERSON: Don't they know?

CAITLIN: Tell them it's so.

BOTH, in unison: Don't they know I can't leave yet?

Cut to Chris, in car, on cell phone. He hangs it up angrily.

CHRIS: Still no answers? Gwen, Caitlin, just pick up and answer the darn phones, why don't ya?

(singing): I've got a pedal on the gas

And a hammer in my head

Thinkin' 'bout my girls and the ways they might be dead.

They should be safe at home

And warmin' by the fire

Instead, they're warming up

To sing in that Heavenly choir.

So I say, Got-got-dang it!

OTHER DRIVER #1: Learn to drive, jerk!

CHRIS: Got-got dang it!

OTHER DRIVER #2: Glad you got your horn to work!

CHRIS: Got-got dang it!

OTHER DRIVER #3: Stay in your lane!

CHRIS: THERE'S A HURRICANE COMIN' AND I'M GOIN' INSANE!

Another car pulls up, filled with MOTHER, FATHER and CHILD. Father is driving.

FATHER: Quit swerving like a monkey

And get right with The Lord!

MOTHER: We're a very moral family with a baby on board.

CHRIS, turning to them: And I say Got-got dang it!

MOTHER and FATHER, in unison: Oh me, oh my!

CHRIS: Got-got dang it!

MOTHER and FATHER, in unison: We hope that you die!

CHRIS: Got-got dang it!

OTHER DRIVERS: You tell 'em, Jack!

CHRIS: Now I think I see my turnoff, so you'd better get baaaack!

Chris swerves hard in the car, leaving all the other drivers behind.

OTHER DRIVERS, including FATHER and MOTHER: Got-got dang it!

Cut to interior of Masterson home, kitchen. Mrs. Masterson is taking stock of provisions while Caitlin stands at the stove.

MRS. MASTERSON: Caitlin? What are you doing over there?

CAITLIN: Making cocoa.

MRS. MASTERSON: Why?

CAITLIN: I was just watching this one Lifetime movie about this adorable family of teens who got caught in a hurricane. Whenever they got depressed, they drank cocoa.

MRS. MASTERSON: Caitlin, I really don't think things will come to that. What's most important right now is that we remain calm and-

CHRIS, entering, makes a rattling noise from offstage.

MRS. MASTERSON, alarmed: LOOTERS!

CHRIS, entering fully: It's just me. Okay, family headcount: Stylish, Blonde, the Mother…(gasp) Where's the cool Goth girl?

CAITLIN: You mean Gwen?

MRS. MASTERSON: We thought she was with you.

CHRIS, panicked: You mean she's out there? In that maelstrom? Oh, holy cheese, NO!

CAITLIN: Calm down, Daddy. I'm sure she's at her friend's house.

CHRIS, grabbing phone and calming down: Right…right…that's where she is.

Cut to darkened interior of house. JONESY lies asleep in bed. Novelty phone nearby begins ringing and he answers it.

JONESY, half-asleep: Hello? No, man, Gwen's not here. You want the Mastersons.

Cut back to Chris.

CHRIS, angry: B-b-What the? I AM the Mastersons!

MRS. MASTERSON, grabbing phone: Give me that!

(talking to Jonesy): Hello? Jonesy? Are your parents there? Are they in town at all? Well, I guess there's nothing else for it. Come over here. You'll be safer from the hurricane? Yes, HURRICANE. Well, then put some ON, and get down here, now, young man!

(hanging up phone, exasperated): Honestly, doesn't anyone in this town wear pants any more?

Cut to exterior of school roof, where Gwen, Nikki, Tyler and Lindsey still are. Special effects make it look like the wind is picking up.

GWEN: Here's the story. If we don't go into that water heater shack, we're going to blow off the roof and die.

LINDSEY: Yeah, but…it looks so…

Beat.

NIKKI: I believe "icky" is the word you're groping for.

The "wind" begins to pick up even more, forcing the teens offstage and into the water heater shed set. Gwen is right up next to Lindsey's breasts.

GWEN: Uh, Lindsey? Do you think you could point those things the other way?

Lindsey readjusts herself. Play it up with some thunder and lightning flashes.

GWEN: Man, my parents must be so worried about me.

NIKKI: I know mine would be if they were in town.

GWEN: What about your live-in boyfriend Jonesy? I'll bet he's worried.

Beat.

NIKKI: I'll bet he's snoring.

(singing): All our families and friends…

GWEN: Busy saving their rear ends

NIKKI: May have overlooked an absent teen or two.

TYLER: But by now they're catching on

That two well-liked kids are gone

LINDSEY: And I'll bet that someone's even missing you!

TYLER and LINDSEY, in unison: So while the wind does blow

On our loved ones down below

We wish that we could tell them we're okay.

NIKKI: And I'll say I'm on the roof

With a dimbulb and a doof

But I'm due to come back down most any day.

LINDSEY: They must be worried

OTHERS: They're probably distressed

LINDSEY: They must be worried

NIKKI: It's causing them an arrest

GWEN: It's really hard to guess exactly what Caitlin's thinking,

Though my instinct says it's prob'ly 'bout her shoes.

Mom and Dad, though, I don't think

Are exactly tickled pink

That I've vanished and that I've left no clues.

They must be worried.

OTHERS: I wouldn't be surprised

GWEN: They must be worried

OTHERS: Getting misty in the eyes

ALL, as we fade out: They must be worried.

End Act Three

*Oh, I forgot to say in Act 1, but I planned this more for last week, to commemorate the American release of Total Drama The Musical/World Tour. It seemed appropriate.


	3. Chapter 3

Note to self: this is the final act, going from the Manly song to the big finale

ACT III

Cut to interior of Masterson House kitchen. Chris, Caitlin, Mrs. Masterson and Jonesy are all gathered around the table. Chris suddenly begins shuddering and then slams down his cup of cocoa.

CHRIS: Gah! I can't take it any more!

JONESY: Whoa! No more cocoa for you, bro.

CHRIS: It's not the cocoa! The cocoa's awesome!

CAITLIN: Thanks.

CHRIS: It's this sitting and doing nothing while my little girl is in danger.

MRS. MASTERSON: Now, Chris, I'm sure that Gwen had enough good sense to find shelter. You're not doing anybody any good running around all half-cocked, acting like an idiot with a Superman complex and-

CHRIS, suddenly: Got-darn it, Emma! This is no time for your stupid girly nonsense!

Beat.

CHRIS: Who do you really want in a crisis: Superman or your darn inner child? I'm acting like an idiot? No no, I'm acting like a MAN!

(singing) It used to be enough

To be strong and good and tough

And go try whatever hasn't been tried.

But now I'm a jerk

With a brain that doesn't work

If I don't consult my feminine side

On what it is to be manly.

OTHERS, getting up and starting a "West Side Story"-esque dance fight: Manly!

CHRIS: Maybe we should stay here and hug!

Would that be more manly?

OTHERS: Manly!

CHRIS, sarcastic: Oh, kill me now!

I think I squashed a bug!

MRS. MASTERSON, turning to Jonesy: Jonesy, do you think you can talk some sense into him?

JONESY: He sounds sensible enough to me.

He is tossed a guitar from stage left and he begins playing it as he sings.

JONESY: I can show that I care.

I can cry, I can share.

Got my brain in a sensitive whirl!

But please tell me why

Being such a modern guy

Makes me feel like a bearded girl?

I guess that's now manly.

OTHERS, flexing: Manly!

JONESY: I do nothing, but hey, I feel

I feel mighty manly!

OTHERS, flexing: Manly!

Jonesy, spinning guitar and then throwing it offstage to the left: I'm so excited

I just might squeal!

CHRIS, moving to center stage: Come here, big guy.

JONESY, joining him: Sure thing, bro.

I'm proud to be the home of a Y chromosome.

CHRIS: I'm glad this hair is growing on my chin.

So let's get right out there

JONESY: Find those girls for whom we care

CHRIS: We won't be back if we can't bring 'em in!

BOTH, moving forward: We're gonna be manly!

OTHERS, following them: Manly!

JONESY: Hold on! Help is on the way!

BOTH JONESY and CHRIS: It's time to be manly!

OTHERS: Manly!

Beat. Chris turns back to Mrs. Masterson.

CHRIS: Honey? Is that okay?

All link arms and square dance a little bit before hitting the end note of the song.

ALL: Manly!

Jonesy and Chris run offstage to the right.

CHRIS, from offstage: We've gotta save those girls, darn it!

JONESY, from offstage: Darn it! You're right!

Sound effects from offstage of a car burning rubber and then crashing.

CHRIS, offstage: Aw, darn it!

Cut back to the school water heater shack. Pieces of debris begin falling from above as the storm sound effects continue.

GWEN: Uh, don't look now, but I think our little love nest is about to go.

NIKKI: I guess we'll just have to take our chances out there.

Tyler tries the door, but it, too, is jammed.

TYLER: Dang it, it's jammed.

He tries again and again, but the door remains steadfast.

TYLER, slumping down: Ugh. I give up.

At that point, something inside Lindsey snaps.

LINDSEY: You give up? You CAN'T give up!

GWEN, singing: The girl with the squeak

Says it's no time to be meek.

Time to do what you manly men do.

NIKKI: She means break down the door

Give a holler or a roar

Make some stupid football noise and bust through!

LINDSEY: You've got to be manly!

GWEN AND NIKKI, flexing: Manly!

Tyler runs into the door a few times, but it doesn't work.

GWEN: My great aunt could do better, and she's dead.

LINDSEY: You've got to be manly!

GWEN and NIKKI: Manly!

NIKKI: Now apply your mighty helmet of a head!

Tyler lowers his head and uses it as a battering ram as he sings his next line. Mid-way through it, it changes from a battle cry to a scream.

TYLER: MANLYYYYY-EEEEEEEEEE!

Crashing noises from offstage.

LINDSEY, worried: Oh no! Tyler!

NIKKI, impressed: Wow. He ran right off the roof.

GWEN: Stop, Forrest, stop.

TYLER, offstage: I'm okay!

Cut to everyone outside on the school roof. The storm is apparently over. There is a large rooftop air conditioner there, which Tyler apparently crashed into.

LINDSEY, hugging Tyler: Honey! You did it!

GWEN: And look, Lindsey: He even made a rainbow.

NIKKI: Is there anything this popular boy can't do?

They all square dance as they begin singing in unison.

ALL: The big wet rainstorm's over!

We're happy we're still here!

The big wet rainstorm's over!

The end came very near.

GWEN and NIKKI: We didn't die here with Lindsey

Instead, we got to sit and see

LINDSEY: Tyler's head act mightily!

TYLER, embarrassed: Aw, babe!

ALL: The big wet rainstorm's over!

Cut to LESHAWNA and JOHNNY FRONT DESK GUY, sitting on outside steps and viewing the storm damage.

BOTH: The big wet rainstorm's over

And town is still the same.

The big wet rainstorm's over

And life is much more tame.

LESHAWNA: But if the town were gone today

JOHNNY: And all the people blown away

BOTH: We'd be in the majori-tay!

The big wet rainstorm's over!

Cut to STANLEY, riding his Big Wheel up to the tree where Chris and Jonesy crashed their car.

STANLEY: The big wet rainstorm's over.

I think you hurt your car.

CHRIS: The big wet rainstorm's over

Now will you go real far

Away from me

Because, you see,

I crashed my car into a tree!

I'm as mad as mad can be!

STANLEY, exiting on Big Wheel stage right: The big wet rainstorm's over.

CHRIS, to Jonesy: You okay?

JONESY: I'm okay. You okay?

CHRIS, making the OK symbol with his hand: A-OK!

BOTH: The big wet rainstorm's over

The airbag saved our life

The big wet rainstorm's over

CHRIS: Explain this to the wife!

Now, will you please go out and see-

JONESY: The damage done by this here tree?

CHRIS, covering his eyes: The sight's a bit too much for me!

BOTH, as the girls enter from stage right: The big wet rainstorm's over!

Jonesy, spotting Nikki, goes over and hugs her.

JONESY: Nikki, you're alright!

NIKKI: Jonesy. You were worried about me.

JONESY, hugging Gwen now: And Gwen, you're okay, too!

GWEN, obviously uncomfortable: Uh…huh…

Chris has gotten out by this time. He then hugs Gwen.

CHRIS: Gwen! You're alive!

GWEN: Dad. You crashed the car.

CHRIS, singing: I don't care a fig about my smashed-up Lexus!

You're what my carin's really all about.

GWEN: That's probably why you crushed my solar plexus.

CHRIS: Sorry, hon, but I'm so happy I could shout!

All other cast members enter from stage right.

CAITLIN: So you found

My sis at last!

MRS. MASTERSON: Crashed the car

CHRIS, nonchalantly: Oh, the past is past.

GWEN, in spotlight on center stage: Today was strange in extremes

And that's put lightly

But it started out so well

And kinda dumb.

So this feeling I feel

I don't feel slightly

It's the hope

That tomorrow will come.

And another weird morning

CAITLIN: Yes, a dawning!

NIKKI: An exciting new day of boring!

ALL: Bow before a surgeon general's warning!

Morning!

Morning!

It's morning, morning

Morning

It's morning in the 'burbs!

Curtain.

*Good night, everybody! Thanks for comin' out!


End file.
